I'm not me anymore - by Trudi Kwakernaak

I received this in our inbox today and wanted to share

"I wrote this for my son who suffers from PTSD. Many of our soldiers are suffering and they need our support and understanding. It's an illness that hits every individual differently and it's difficult to comprehend it's effects, difficult to diagnose, difficult to treat and very difficult to overcome. My thoughts and prayers are with all those afflicted."

- Trudi Kwakernaak

I’m Not Me Anymore 

I went over there anxious and willing to fight 

I came home beaten and far from alright 

They say I’m different, definitely not the same 

Some days I don’t even know my own name. 

I wore my uniform with overflowing pride 

Carried my rifle easily by my side 

Displayed the Maple Leaf for all to see 

I was exactly where I wanted to be 

I did my job each and every day 

Didn't stay back, hide or shy away 

The enemy had weapons we had never seen 

They were heartless, relentless and downright mean 

I was doing okay with days to go 

When my time was up, I could go happily home 

Of course I couldn't predict what was to come 

Now I’m someone my friends shy away from 

One minute we were enjoying esprit de corps 

Then the scenery changed and we became victims of war 

Laughter receded and misery prevailed 

Only those involved will know what that day entailed 

I lost my buddies, watched them die 

I was forced by the enemy to say goodbye 

I had a close call but they paid the price 

My life is forever changed because of an explosive device 

You say I’m lucky because I lived 

I came home in one piece with nothing physically wrong 

You can’t see my injuries, can’t feel my pain 

I came home alive but I’ll never be the same 

I’m depressed and anxious, my head is quickly spinning 

I’m slowing dying inside, the demons are winning 

I was a soldier; dedicated, proud & gung ho 

Living each day in a fog is now the status quo 

You say I’ve changed and you don’t like what you see 

You tell me to get over it and start living again 

I’m trying but inside I feel numb, totally off track 

Depressingly unsure if the old me will ever come back 

Forgive me for being a different person 

But you can’t even imagine what I've been through 

Don’t judge me or hate me or tell me my future’s bright 

Life isn't the same, and I’m not alright. 

Trudi Kwakernaak